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(707) 578-4226
A Vietnam Widow’s Memoir Finds a New Audience Today
Pauline Laurent’s “Grief Denied” is helping families of those impacted by the war on terrorism begin the healing process
Story by John P. Abbott
When Pauline Laurent’s groundbreaking memoir, “Grief Denied: A Vietnam Widow’s Story” was published in 10 years ago, it received a raft of accolades and touched a chord with a generation struggling to come to terms with such an unpopular American military campaign. Today, with suicide rates of returning soldiers surpassing those killed in action, the book seems even timelier, finding a new audience not just with current war widows but anyone coping with the loss of a loved one.
“I never imagined when this book came out that there would be another war or two so much like Vietnam,” Laurent says. “But it looks like the war on terrorism is just as controversial: troops will be pulled out without a victory and they’ll come home to a country that opposes the war. Military grief is complicated anyway. But when there is no victory homecoming for the troops, families struggle to reconcile the loss of a loved one.”
On May 10, Laurent marked the 41st anniversary of her husband’s death in Vietnam. When “Grief Denied” was published in 1999, it gave readers permission to grieve the losses associated with Vietnam. A decade later, the U.S. is engaged in two conflicts in distant parts of the world – in Iraq and Afghanistan – and a new generation of widows and spouses must deal with the pain and distress of losing their husbands and wives.
“It took a tremendous act of courage to write my book, one that I struggled with for a long time,” Laurent says. “My hope is that those who have lost loved ones in the current wars can gain insight and wisdom from reading it. Perhaps their grieving process can be shortened and won’t take as long as it did for me.”
Writing Her Way Out
Laurent, a Certified Professional Life Coach, a gifted public speaker and a workshop leader, never meant to write a book about the price we pay when we hide, deny or delay our grief. In fact, she suppressed her sorrow for 25 years while she raised her daughter and built a successful career. It was only when she had become so depressed that she was on the verge of suicide that she began to pour out her feelings in the pages of a journal. Those rambling, heart-wrenching entries would eventually become “Grief Denied.”
Laurent grew up in a small town in southern Illinois before moving to Chicago where she met her husband, Howard Querry, III. He was drafted into the army and soon after leaving for Vietnam was killed in combat. His body came back to the United States with the instructions: “Non-viewable.” The letter she received from the company commander after Howard’s death assured her that her husband’s heroism would sustain her in her loss – as though any other feelings she might have would be unpatriotic.
Seven months pregnant at the time, Laurent buried her grief – or tried to. The reality of the moment was much different, as she describes in her book.
“After retrieving my dog, I stagger to my room, and shut the door. I throw myself on the bed, gasping for air. My heart races and pounds. My unborn baby starts kicking and squirming. I hold my dog with one hand, my baby with the other, and I sob. I’m shattered. Blown to pieces. It can’t be true. No medics come, no helicopters fly me away to an emergency room. I struggle to save myself, but I cannot. I die. Half an hour later, a ghost of my former self gets up off the bed and begins planning Howard’s funeral.”
When her daughter, Michelle, was born, Laurent went back to college, got her degree in education, and eventually moved to Denver where she began teaching. When her daughter graduated from high school, she accepted a job in California as the finance manager with Werner Erhard and Associates. “I tried to escape by moving to a different part of the country, by working long hours, by starting new relationships, even by overeating,” she says. “But none of it worked.”
After three years of 70-hour workweeks, she quit her job due to exhaustion. At the same time, she ended a relationship with a man she had been involved with for four years. Depressed, even suicidal, she entered therapy and began keeping a journal at the suggestion of one of her counselors. “I didn’t consider myself a writer, but I discovered there was a lot inside of me that needed to come out. Writing became the container that could hold the feelings that were spilling out about Vietnam. Writing became the way I communalized my grief.”
A Story Taking on a Life of Its Own
She experienced an epiphany of sorts at a writing workshop a few months later. “The teacher asked everyone to list the things they were afraid to write about, and at the top of my list was Vietnam. We did a writing exercise based on that and I wrote about the day I had been informed that my husband had been killed. I had never told anyone that story. It had been inside of me for 25 years.
“When the teacher asked who wanted to read I slowly raised my hand. I was emotionally devastated: I would read a few words then sob, then read a few more and sob again. But it was a huge breakthrough for me. After that I felt like the story took on a life of its own. When I couldn’t sleep in the middle of the night I’d get up and write. The story wouldn’t leave me alone. It wanted to be told.”
She began to attend a writing group made up of Vietnam veterans led by Maxine Hong Kingston. “The veterans needed each other to bear witness to the pain they had buried in Vietnam,” Laurent says. “I had buried a great deal of pain too. So I heard their stories and they heard mine. We all became one big melting pot of war stories and pain exposed. That’s how we healed — by bearing witness to each other’s stories.”
As cathartic and compelling as Laurent’s story may have been, every agent and publisher that she approached rejected the book. When she shared her frustration in a crowded auditorium at a writing conference, a literary agent in the audience gave Laurent her business card and offered to look at her manuscript. That was the break that eventually led to the book’s publication.
Jonah Raskin, chairman of the Communications Studies Department at Sonoma State University and one of Laurent’s mentors, says that the real theme of “Grief Denied” is healing. “It is about coming to terms with the intimate pain and emotional violence that was unleashed by the Vietnam War. IT is also a bittersweet love story in which a young girl meets a soldier-boy, a young bride loses her soldier-husband and how … the mature woman is finally able to say goodbye to the man she will always love.”
Connecting with People in all Walks of Life
The book garnered strong reviews and connected with people in all walks of life. Publishers Weekly described it as a “direct and powerful memoir.” A Vietnam vet wrote, “I was so touched by reading the book that I cried like a baby for the first time since I returned from Vietnam.”
Laurent appeared on Bill Moyer’s Journal, CNN, NPR and other network news shows. Moyers sent her a handwritten note afterwards saying, “Our broadcast brought a remarkable response from so many people around the country, and all of them were deeply touched by you, as I was. I thank you for your witness.”
Readers have told Laurent that once they start reading her book, they can’t put it down. She believes this is because she went to the core of her grief and put it on the page.
“Untimely death often elicits shame in survivors. Somehow they think it’s their fault that their loved one died. Shame is what keeps people silent, afraid to speak. For every veteran who has denied grief, there’s a family that is deeply affected by it. When denied, grief goes underground with roots that run deep and far into future generations, leading to fear, bitterness, chronic anger, poor health, alcohol and substance abuse, and the inability to have intimate relationships.
“The antidote to shame and silence is finding a safe place to speak or write about your losses. By allowing grief you bear witness to it. That’s really the first step on the road to recovery.”
Finding a New Audience Today
Although it focuses on a conflict that occurred 40 years ago, the book’s influence continues to reverberate today. Laurent has been asked to lead several grief workshops for widows of troops killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. “I treat these women as if I were going back to myself as a young widow,” she says. “What did I need to know then? What would have the greatest impact?”
Despite the success of “Grief Denied,” Laurent doesn’t consider herself a professional writer; instead, she thinks of herself as a “bright shining light” on the path of healing. “I don’t have the credentials or degrees that other writers have, but it’s not about the degrees you have or the people you know. We all have a story to tell and we can allow ourselves to tell our stories using whatever means and methods we have available.”
For More Information
To learn more about Pauline Laurent, her act of courage in writing “Grief Denied,” and her speaking engagements, visit www.griefdenied.com and www.gutsycoaching.com.
(sidebar)
The Fog of Grief
These are some of the lessons Pauline Laurent learned after writing her book, inspired by former Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara’s candid revelations in “The Fog of War.”
1. Time doesn’t heal all wounds. Grieving does.
2. Grieving will not kill you. Avoiding it will.
3. Loss keeps repeating itself until you face it.
4. Your loved one’s heroism will not heal your grief. It often gets in the way of expressing grief.
5. Depression is a gift. It forces you to change.
6. Moving (a geographic cure for grief) won’t work. You can’t outrun grief.
7. Life passes you by when you deny grief.
8. Denial is like a blanket you wrap around you to avoid pain. After awhile, it loses its effectiveness.
9. Death is not the greatest loss. The greatest loss is what dies within us when we live (Norman Cousins).
10. People will not want to hear your story. Tell it anyway. Find a safe place to grieve so you can get your life back.
© 2009 Pauline Laurent
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Pauline Laurent
Catalyst For Change
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Grief Denied: A Vietnam Widow's Story
A Compelling Story of Healing
SANTA ROSA, CA - Pauline Laurent's path dramatically illustrates the Vietnam era. Born and raised in the Midwest, she met her husband Howard Querry when she was 19. On May 10, 1968, after they were married less than a year, Howard was killed in action in the jungles of Vietnam. Laurent was 22 years old and seven months pregnant when her husband's body was escorted back to the states with the instructions, "Nonviewable."
Pauline Laurent took 30 years to reconcile the death of her husband in the Vietnam War. Grief Denied - A Vietnam Widow's Story is Laurent's moving and inspiring tale of how her healing finally occurred, and how she reclaimed her life when she faced and walked through her grief. The book was released by Catalyst For Change, Santa Rosa, CA on Veterans Day, November 11, 1999.
There are an estimated 18,000 Vietnam widows. An estimated 20,000 children were left fatherless by the war. All Americans were touched by that war, whether they fought in the jungles of Vietnam, resisted in the streets of American cities or simply watched the war on television.
"Pauline Laurent's book presents an insider's view of the private world of the many people personally devastated by the Vietnam War. She makes poignantly clear the price we pay when we hide, deny or delay grief. Yet, following her process and her discoveries about life, loss, and healing inspires us and allows each of us the possibility of healing, too." -- Judy Tatelbaum, MSW, author of The Courage to Grieve.
Grief Denied is about raising a daughter without a father, and about living with the shame of having lost the girl's father in a very unpopular war. It is about the denial, anger, addictions and rage that were the aftermath of Laurent's loss. It's also about the climate in our country, which discourages grieving for anyone who has lost a loved one, especially in the Vietnam War.
Laurent's denial and avoidance led her to escape her pain for many years through overworking, addictive relationships and eventually food. Her geographic escapes took her from the Midwest to Colorado and eventually to California, where for 13 years she sought refuge in Werner Erhard's work. With no resolution still, she continued searching, without relief. She eventually lost her ability to manage her addiction to food and soared to a weight of almost 200 pounds.
When Laurent's daughter, at age 24, announced her wedding plans, Laurent could no longer deny her grief. She began long-term therapy, Twelve-Step recovery work and a spiritual search - all of which eventually led her to writing Grief Denied.
This book is for everyone who has ever lost someone they love. The cost is $14.95 plus $3.00 postage and handling (+$1.00 S/H for each additional book). Shipping is by Media Mail. (California residents add $0.82 sales tax per book.) Send a check for the total amount to: Catalyst For Change, P.O. Box 5158, Santa Rosa CA 95402.
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Grief Denied - A Vietnam Widow's Story
by Pauline Laurent
Paperback, 5.5 x 8.5
232 pages, $14.95
ISBN: 0-9671424-0-7
For IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Further Information Contact
Pauline Laurent
Catalyst For Change
(707) 578-4226
War Widow Confronts Legacy of Loss and Reconciliation
For three decades Pauline Laurent avoided Prairie du Rocher and the painful memories associated with her hometown of 600 people, 50 miles southeast of St. Louis.
The small French community where she was living with her parents at the time of her husband's death in the Vietnam War recently invited her to attend a dedication ceremony honoring the men from the community who had made the ultimate sacrifice.
Pauline had mixed feelings about returning to the "scene of the crime" as she calls it. She had ventured back to Illinois to visit family over the years but this trip would be different. The war memorial to be dedicated was just down the street from the house on Henry Street where she was living when the green sedan bearing the words, "US Army" pulled up in front of her home and two men in uniform approached her with the message:
"We regret to inform you that your husband, Sgt. Howard E. Querry, was fatally wounded on the afternoon of May 10 by a penetrating missile wound to his right shoulder."
At the time, she submitted to the prevailing notion that tragedy was best quickly forgotten, especially any connected with the Vietnam War. Instead of working through the stages of grief, Laurent fled with her daughter, moving steadily further away from the Midwest. The running continued until 1990 when the breakup of a relationship and the end of a career triggered "one loss too many" which catapulted her into a major depressive episode. For 18 months, she vacillated between writing suicide notes and realizing that she couldn't destroy her daughter's life by taking her own. Laurent eventually sought counseling and began writing her story. Grief Denied A Vietnam Widow's Story, Laurent's memoir, was 7 years in the making.
With the writing of her memoir, Laurent thought she had completed her grieving process and that the trip back to Illinois for the dedication would be anti-climatic. She found out otherwise.
On Saturday afternoon as Laurent read from her book at a bookstore in St. Louis, she noticed a Catholic priest in the audience who had buried his head in his hands and was sobbing. After the reading he informed her that he had taught her husband at St. Louis University in 1966.
"I lost two students in that war, " he told Laurent, "your husband and another young man who went to Canada. Years later when he was granted amnesty, he returned to the states, but he's never been the same. He cracked up."
The dedication ceremony began with a parade that wound its way down Main Street past St. Joseph's Church were she and Howard were married on September 30, 1967. Eight months later on May 25, 1968 she followed his coffin draped with the US flag down the aisle. Thirty-two years later, she marched past St. Joseph's again on her way to the cemetery for a tribute to honor her husband's sacrifice.
At the cemetery, a Gold Star mother laid a wreath on her son's grave. The community of Prairie du Rocher welcomed home a war widow who had lived in silence and isolation for 25 years. In her speech at the dedication ceremony, Laurent spoke of the difficulty she experienced in coming to terms with the loss of her husband. "It's hard to heal from the loss of a loved one when you can't view their body." Her husband's body had been returned marked "Non-viewable."
Laurent concluded with these comments, "Last year on July 4th, I hung an American flag in front of my house for the first time in 30 years- I knew some sort of reconciliation had occurred. For many years, I was angry with my husband, my country and my God for my husband's death in the war. We can't change the past, but we can make peace with it."
Pauline Laurent, author of Grief Denied - A Vietnam Widow's Story, is available for interviews and speaking engagements. For more information contact her at 707-578-4226.
Grief Denied - A Vietnam Widow's Story
By Pauline Laurent
Paperback, 5.5 x 8.5
232 pages, $14.95
ISBN: 0-9671424-0-7 Catalyst For Change
2727 Tachevah Drive, #24, Santa Rosa, CA 95405
(707) 578-4226
BOOK COVER IMAGE:
For a high-resolution image of the cover of Grief Denied, please click here. (0.6MB
AUTHOR PHOTO:
For a color photo of Pauline Laurent, please click here.
